Cheif Medical Officer's Log
by Miss Moonshaedowe
Summary: Leonard "Bones" Mccoy recounts his strange and exciting adventures with Kirk, Spock, and the rest of The Enterprise crew from his own, unique, perspective
1. Stardate: eh, who cares

Chief medical officer's log, stardate: ....eh, who gives a fuck

Hey there you dumb assholes. Today was pretty fucked up. Not that unusual when Kirk makes us go on these psychotic rescue missions to save random sluts from planets full of aliens that look exactly like nazis or some dumb shit, but overall I'd say this day stands out among the hundreds of such missions we've gone on.

First of all, I was just fucking around in sick bay, drinking, I ran off all the nurses by coming on to them and pinching their fun parts so I was alone. The vulcan and that negro dyke brought in some redshirt who got fried when a console exploded and started saying a bunch of garbage at me. I was completely not paying attention because all I could think about was kneeing the vulcan in the face and slamming his head against the floor over and over again and injecting uhura with a vaccine of my hot man custard.

Anyway, he had third degree burns and shrapnel logded in his skull and penis, so I figured fuck it, he's not gonna make it, so I might as well do some exploratory surgery. First I urinated on his face and chest to sterrilize everything (my 95 is like 95% alchohol) and I got to work. Making incisions, removing organs, rearranging blood vessles and shit it was like a fucking buffet. Eventually I got bored and started cutting swastikas in my chest with the scalpel. I knew he was still alive because of the anguished moans, well, whatever like I even care because Kirk fucking called me down to investigate some crap on the alien nazi planet.

"I'm a doctor, not a wingman. I'm not going down there to help you get laid"

He didn't listen, though, fucking asshole pussy ass yellow shirt wearing fucker.

Any fuckin way we got down to the planet and the savages started threatning us with rocks from like, 300 yards away so we whipped out our phasers and dissintegrated a few hundred of those fuckers and their capitol buidling too. Kirk threatened to obliterate their civilization a few times and dissintegrated a few top officials and we decided to fuck off. Before going I had scotty beam up a few of the savages into the brig so I could experiment on them later. Got a couple of real babes, too. Off the books, naturally, cause those assholes from star fleet command have been nosing in my records a bunch since my last human rights conviction.

Well, whatever, I got more drunk and jerked off on the view screen. I'll fill you in on more later, for now, I've got some medical tests to run. Gonna see if nazi aliens species #1400 is, uh, *ahem* interfertile with humans. 


	2. Stardate: the post holiday bender

Chief medical officer's log, stardate: the post shitmas bender

My log entry today is going to be kind of different from my usual fare. No, we didn't go any absurd away missions or meet any nazi aliens or energy beings. Today was pretty fucking lame as shit and slice of ass butterscotch boring, to be honest. Today we just went to a regular star fleet command meeting, I didn't go around pogo-fucking anyone or anything like that.

Today is my least favorite day in the world, the day after Shitmas. Yeah, I read in history books that they used to call shitmas "crissmast" or some retard bullcrap like in ancient times when wooly mammoths, saber tooth tigers, and nazis roamed the earth, but whatever. They changed it to shitmas so everyone in the federation would have a day to bitch and moan about all the shitty stuff in the world, unfortunately everyone in the federation is either a mindless joy filled drone or suicidal (like me) and so the day after everyone is in a sickeningly good mood (and the one's who wouldn't be are all dead). It makes me fecally incontinent just thinking about it...*

*after writing the above I shat myself and had to force a nurse to serilize sick bay while I tried to look up her skirt in the reflection on the floor*

So anyways, I was sitting around in sick bay smoking crack and pretending to work when who else came in but that nosy fucking Vulcan. At first he didn't say anything but then he asked if his "package" had arrived. I had to special order some frilly pink condoms for him because none of the ones we had onboard were large enough for his sasquatch-esque alien weiner.  
I gave it to him and said "Go easy on Jim's ass this time, Vulcan, I don't want to have to do any more reconstructive surgery." Then he started going on about logic or something, blah blah blah, like I give a crap. After he wouldn't shut up I felt like giving him a face full of my cock. I thrust with enough force to cave in the skull of a klingon kla'gmor beast if it made contact but he dodged my three foot fleshy sledgehammer with his superior reflexes and gave it the nerve pinch. Fucking asshole, I couldn't get it up for hours after that.  
He took the package and started saying some bullshit at me about the first big star fleet command meeting of the post shitmas season we all had to attend and he said I should clean all the shit off myself before going to make a good impression... YEAH RIGHT! Those assfuckers scouted, interviewed, and hired all while my skivvies, anus, and thighs were crusted with thick crusty shit and as such shall I go forth to meet with them!

Me (complete with shit streaks up the wazoo), Jim, the vulcan, that hot cunny waft negro dyke, and some redshirt beamed down to stat fleet headquarters. We took a redshirt, cause, well... you never know. The party was pretty lame (star fleet, go figure). I mostly just tried to avoid the guys from the human rights and medical malpractice commissions. Jim and the vulcan performed a mind among other kinds "melding" on top of the chip and dip table while a bunch of ugly teenage sluts cheered them on. I yelled "DAMNIT VULCAN! I'm not putting his coxix back together again goddamnit!"

Also I think there was a speaker talking about some amazing archeological discovery on an alien planet that turned out to be an ugly lop sided pot with block figures on it. Big fucking whoop. THough to tell the truth I was too shit-faced within the first thirty minutes to have a clear recollection of the events, though I'm pretty sure all the fucking dorks (see: everyone in star fleet) thought it was pretty cool. Pretty much I fucked around with my still shrivled and pulsating horsecock and pinched girls' asses all night long.

Oh yeah, and the redshirt died. Uhura got really fucking crunked up on some bad meth and shit (seriously, human feces). She was fucking hooting and hollaring and really chimping out and she accidently blasted him with a plasma riffle she was fucking around with. Yeah, right in the fucking nuts. It didn't kill him, though. Jim was like "Wait the fuck up aren't you a doctor or something?" Now goddamnit I was just trying to stay in the corner and suck on the keg but he wouldn't fucking shut up about it. It was clear there was nothing I could do to save him (at least not by the time I got there which was after like an hour) so I had to put him out of his misery myself by knee-bashing him in the fucking skull a couple dozen times untill his fucking cranium turned to dust and his brains had the consistancy of bloody pudding. "He's dead Jim. I fucking killed him."

You know, I think his name was Porkums or something. anyways, the plasma fried him up pretty good, and we brought him back on board the enterprise and Jim made him up into some delicious steaks. Mmmm mmmm.

Well, I gotta go now. Porkus didn't agree with me so well, so I gotta go take a sloppy ass fucking dump (you can tell how they will be beforehand) and the nurses said I can't keep shitting in the bags of unused syringes because they need to be sterile. Bitch, bitch, bitch... 


	3. Stardate: something or other

Chief medical officer's log, stardate: something or other...

Fuck so we were cruising around space earlier today. Not like we have anything else to do in the ass end of the galaxy where Starfleet regularly sends it's most powerful flagship despite being surrounded by powerful enemy alien empires, but anyfuck, there we were. I think we were actually supposed to be doing some star chart survey or whatever, but who gives a shit. They're fucking stars, you can see them out the window, snap a photo with your ipod micron and there you go. Stars charted. Geezuz...

I was in sick bay drinking of course. Yeah, I know that bothers a lot of you people but I was drinking. Deal with it. I was also raiding the prescription cabinet, and gnawing on the severed arm of redshirt maxxo or whatever his name was. He came in or a physical and unfortunately he didn't make it. After cleaning up I was jerking off with a handful of used syringes for that gentle, caressing, hypodermic needle feeling that really gets a man off. Better than a stinky vag if you ask me, of course the only vag's around here are the ship's turbolift shaft Nurse Chapel and gorilla meat. To get down to brASS tacks, I needed some ass.

Well what do you know but we were flying around in open space when we encountered a mysteriously powerful being with reallity warping powers. Yeah, fuck, I'm surprised as you are. This seems to happen with anomolous frequency. So, this near omnipotent being, which resembled a blurry chinese lantern, was interested in the concept of sexual identity becuase his race had evolved beyond physical reproduction which made it difficult for them to procure good pornography and to say the least, tensions were starting to rise on amorphis omnipotent cloud world.

The alien, whatever it is, demanded demonstrations of heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and autosexuality. The Vulcan was selected to demonstrate asexuality (ha ha, fag!). I elected myself, as well as kirk, that crazy yellow bastard Sulu, and Checkov to demonstrate the "Chain of Command" which I guess was too much for the swamp gas being since it ended up declaring holy war on all sentient humanoid life! We followed it back to their homeworld, and by "we" I mean the rest of the crew because I went back to sick bay to snort crack up my urethra and all of this is second hand from the nurses who are usually zorged out on ketamine, so if any of the details aren't totally exactly 100% accurate then excuse me your fucking majesty. We got there and it turns out that hyper advanced energy beings are susceptible to photon torpedos, as is their art, culture, and advanced technology.

Seeing that we'd obliterated an incalculable value of galatic cultural heritage to save our own skins, we figured we'd pack it in for the day and head back to Federation Space. Might as fucking well since I'm running out of brandy and maxxo's running out of limbs. 


	4. Stardate: losing my religion

Chief medical officer's log, stardate: losing my religion

Fuck, so, yeah, I'm still here. Deal with it. Starfleet command gave us a mission to transport some muslims from earth to the religious detention center in the supermassive blackhole in the center of the galaxy. Yeah, there are fucking muslim terrorist sandniggers in the future. Again, deal with it. And yeah, atheists won the war on christmas and now all the religious people are thrown into blackholes. That's why you never hear about them. I know they never showed this kind of crap in the TV show they made about our lives and transmitted into the past so that we could collect royalties in the future (that's why we don't need money in the federation, didn't see that coming did you?). Incidently that's also how I'm able to communicate with you mouthbreathing 21st century neanderthals.

Anyfuckinway, on the way there, I realized that the muslims believed in certain highly provacative things! I listened in awe as they explained their policies of having multiple wives and harem girls, but still prefering underage boys, of blowing up innocents and worshipping martyrs (while still obsessing over tawhid) and their desire to subjugate all life to the will of their brutal dark age god! I fucking converted on the spot, turned the ship around, and ejected everyone on board including myself into the black hole, but not without activating the ship's self destruct first, which caused an anti matter reaction that sent us back in time to 730AD on earth. Want to know how the muslim conquest of europe went when the jihadis were armed with phasers?

THE END. 


End file.
